Golf, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways, the oh-so- many things that irk the golf curmudgeon in me.
Here are my top beefs with golf, my fellow golfers, golf courses and the world in general:
Slow play. No mercy. None! I once called the pro shop and said, “I want to report felony slow play on No. 3.”
Badly cut golf holes. I mean the little volcanoes left by maintenance people who, after yanking a plug while cutting a new hole, don’t tamp down the turf. As if I need another reason to miss a three-footer.
Holes that run along the side of the driving range. Who hasn’t driven along the first cut looking for a drive to realize, yikes, there’s like 60 balls up there!
The guy who scoops up his putt as a gimme without consulting anyone.
The course that didn’t tell you when you made the tee time that they just punched their greens.
Cart girls who ask you on the second hole if your group needs anything. Lady, we were just in the snack bar 15 minutes ago! Or worse, seeing the foursome up ahead huddling around the beverage cart in the middle of the first fairway.
Showing up an hour early to warm up and finding the range is closed.
Watching your 55-year-old playing partner, a married father of four, including one in college, make a fool of himself by hitting on the cart girl, who probably goes to school with his kid.
The time wasters
The guy who straddles the line of every putt with two feet and does that Vulcan two-finger voodoo thing he’s seen on TV.
The guy on a crowded putting green who stands by one hole and putts to another.
Anybody who shows up with iron covers.
GPS-equipped carts that display bad distances.
The change monkey behind the pro shop counter who gives you that look, the one that says you’re not worthy of playing his over-priced golf course. Yeah, Scottsdale, I’m talking to you.
The guys who drive off down the fairway before your girlfriend has a chance to hit.
Courses that won’t let you take the cart into the parking lot.
The guy who tees up a second ball as everyone else is heading back to the carts. He’s the same guy who re-putts every missed putt, even before others have putted out.
The sunflower-seed guys, who should be taken out and shot alongside the half-smoked cigar-butt guys.
Clubhouses with too few restrooms.
The marshal who issues your group a warning – having appeared seconds after the group who’ve been holding up play has cleared the green.
The inconsiderate playing partners
Golf courses with GPS-equipped carts with geo-fencing that disable the cart if you get too close to, well, anything. How about a little warning? Maybe something entertaining, like, “Danger, Will Robinson!” or, “Red alert! Shields up!”
The outside-services guy who rushes up to wipe down your clubs before you’ve had time to grieve about the three-putt that just lost you all sides of a Nassau. Or your cart-mate who disappears when it’s time to pay the guy who rushes up to wipe down your clubs.
The put-me-down-for-bogey guy.
The guy with no handicap who wants to bet.
Poker-chip ball markers.
Or the guy who wants you to move your ball mark, who really ought to give up the game if he were to come anywhere near your ball mark.
Or the guy who never marks his ball.
Cart-paths-only golf courses. Yeah, a certain Scottsdale course that will remain nameless, I’m talking to you.
Guys who have no business playing from the tips.
Unfilled divots and un-repaired ball marks, and forget about raking bunkers.
No sand in the sand jar.
The guy whose ball you’re looking for who won’t tell you what ball he’s playing until he’s found it.
The group that’s held up play all day that finally lets you play through, then rides your ass the rest of the round.
The random acts of idiocy
The guy who complains about slow greens because he left a 20-footer eight feet short.
The I’d-better-not-hit-yet guy. Dude, they’re 300 yards away. The drive you just hit didn’t go 200!
Club throwers.
The sandbagger in match play who gives you 10-footers to avoid closing you out 6&5.
The guy who recites every golf cliché and takes Dolly Parton’s name in vain every chance he gets.
The guy who makes sure that everyone knows that he knows the Rules of Golf.
The guy from the adjacent hole who drives into your fairway to try to hit the drive you just center-piped.
The group ahead that parks in front of the green and won’t drive off until they’ve recorded their scores.
The guy up ahead who visually counts his score by pointing to the various spots where he played his seven, or was it eight shots?
The guy who’s obsessed with looking for lost golf balls.
The guy who won’t hit a provisional.
The guy who stands in your line.
The guy who’s always late to the first tee.
Bunkers with no rakes.
Guys who complain about crap like this.
Dan Vukelich is the online editor of Alabama Golf News. Reach him at dan@alabamagolfnews.com
Have a story idea or a news item to report to Alabama Golf News? Email bamagolfnews@gmail.com
(A version of this article first appeared in Golf Chicago Magazine.)
Featured image: Oscar the Gruch puppet courtesy of Muppet Wiki
